Building the skill of saying no.

Every successful leader that we work with at Headstock360 experiences a rite of passage that represents the invisible line between ‘Ford Focus Leadership’ and ‘Ferrari F1 Leadership’.   This rite of passage is building the ability to say no to things that don’t directly impact their desired outcomes, in order to say yes to things that do.  Simple enough right?   Then why is so difficult for leaders to pull off?  The answer lies in the exact place where all answers are.  In the beliefs and insecurities of each individual, and in the culture of our organizations and society in general.   

 Thinking back to the time when I navigated this important rite of passage in my own career, I remember the journey being the furthest thing from smooth and uncomplicated.   Back then, I would describe myself as a working leader and I wore that label as a badge of honour.  As a former athlete I knew how work.  Do the reps.  Grind.  Pound things through to the finish line.  I took pride in my capacity and loved saying yes to others because I viewed it as an opportunity to demonstrate my value and contribute.  The problem was, as my brand within the organization grew, so did my to-do list and the number of requests for my time.  I went from feeling like Mick Jagger with endless energy to one of his roadies in the back smoking a cigarette while trying to pull heavy amplifiers up a ramp to the stage.  I slipped further and further into my own self-created purgatory until I reached the point of no return.  My lips were barely above water and worst of all, I had a front row seat to watch the quality of my work nosedive faster than BlackBerry’s stock price (little early 2000’s reference for you there).   Worst of all I was completely resolute in my unwillingness to speak up, ask for help or simply say no to a request.  I wasn’t just a ‘people pleaser’, it was worse than that.  I would consider hara-kiri (Japanese ritual suicide) before I would consider saying no.

 Through some careful reflection, which at the time meant drinking 15 beers as quickly as possible, I realized that my unwillingness to say no was because it misaligned with parts of my identity that I was proud of.  I believed I was strong, capable, efficient and could take on anything the organization could throw at me.  The very thought of saying no hit my gag reflex.  Saying no was for other people.  For the weak and less gifted.   Maybe it was the fact that I was in my twenties, and I was still suffering from an invincibility hangover from my adolescent days.  I don’t know.

Eventually I found myself permanently caught in the powerful undertow of being a yes man.   Thankfully at the time I had a perceptive, caring leader who noticed the change in my behaviour and booked a meeting with me to discuss what was going on.  Can you guess what my reply was to the invite?  It was a YES!!!  My leader told me that she could see I was overwhelmed and asked me to self-diagnose the problem.  I felt that my extroverted personality combined with my auto-yes response were at the root of the issue.  The conversation quickly shifted gears to why it was so difficult for me to say no.  That, I could quickly answer….

If I say no…..

-I’ll look weak.

-I’ll look selfish.

-People will think I can’t keep up.

-People will think I’m not good enough.

-People will be upset with me (fear of conflict)

-I will lose opportunities.

My leader helped me to reframe my beliefs around saying no by brainstorming alternative perspectives:

-Saying demonstrates that you’re focused (“Focusing is about saying no.” – Steve Jobs).

-When you share the reason that you’re saying no it demonstrates a deep ownership of what’s on your plate and the quality that you demand from yourself.

-It’s an opportunity to communicate your priorities to others giving them clarity regarding your agenda and goals.

-Most of all, it allows you to say yes to the things that YOU have decided are important. 

For me, the scariest part of saying no was my insecurity around what others would think of me, particularly if I had to say no to my leader or anyone at the top of the organization.  In those situations, I learned that if I shared what I currently had on my plate as key priorities first, I could ask my leader(s), what they would like me to put on hold to honour the new request.  This approach covertly shares ownership back up to your leader while ensuring that you don’t end up with yet another ball to juggle when you have to many.

The key is understanding your personal psychological baggage around saying no. Once you’ve found clarity there, you can begin to challenge those limiting beliefs and replace them with new empowering ones.